I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
