4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
