Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
