I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
