and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
