I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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