there's paper in my vomit.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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