break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
