She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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