this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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