I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
