Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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