Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
