just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
