I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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