I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
