im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You're like the curious george of whores
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
