I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
