I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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