Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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