The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
