I feel like I'm in dance class right now
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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