it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
