i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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