My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Randomize
