i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
