you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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