I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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