i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just sucked dick on a ferry
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
