I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
