I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
