I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
