Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
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We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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