I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
