Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
