Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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