I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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