do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
