I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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