it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
