Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
