So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
