Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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