well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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