Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
