Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
