A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
