Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
