i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
