All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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