But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
