My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
