dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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