Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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