It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize