K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
