you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
