this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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