This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
