I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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