I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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