she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
